8/12/21
20:49 PM
Song Currently playing: Russ- ITALY
Location- At work
Shadow Work Prompt:
-How can I be kinder to myself? In what ways do I consciously punish myself? In what ways do I unconsciously punish myself?
I can be kinder to myself by being more patient with myself. I have my good days where everything seems to be going perfect. I wake up early, I make breakfast, I meditate, I write, I post on my blog, I make my tea, take my meds and exercise (not in that order).
Then I have darker days. Days like the last few weeks. It was a steady decline. Sleeping in a little longer or I miss breakfast or don’t post anything. Or don’t exercise. Miss meditation. Don’t read, then stop everything altogether.
I’ve been trying to understand why this happens to me. Why do I start feeling so shitty? Then I start asking myself questions like is it my medication? Are they not working? The worrying begins. Then there are external things that affect me. If I have a big, shattering experience like I did last Thursday, It completely throws me off.
I have to be kinder to myself.
This is normal. Things like this will continue to happen because, you know? It’s just life!
How do I consciously punish myself?
I’m not sure. Well maybe sleeping in too late. Trying to sleep away the bad feelings. The emotions that I don’t want to deal with. When I sleep too much, I’m left with no time for myself. Even if that means sitting in complete silence- I should be giving myself some time to just be before going out in the world.
When I sleep in late, I of course start rushing. I rush to shower and get ready for work. Rush to the bus but of course I miss the bus so there I go, taking an Uber to the train station. But then the train is late and then I realize I’m going to be late for work and at that point, there’s absolutely nothing I can do.
So is this something I’m doing subconsciously? Or consciously? I mean I know that if I sleep in late then I can’t get anything done. Somehow the night before though, I convince myself that I’ll be able to do it all and let myself down when I don’t. I convince myself I can do it but I feel like crap when I set the actual goal. It’s hard to get out of bed when you feel like shit.
So back to the original question; Am I punishing myself subconsciously? Seems like a conscious punishment honestly. But like I said before, I have to be patient with myself. Nothing happens overnight. Depression doesn’t disappear into thin air overnight!
I put all of this pressure on myself constantly. I legit tell myself “Okay Fefa, let’s get up early and do what we were doing before? Okay?!” And then Negative Nancy comes into my thoughts talking shit of course – “It’s 11:30 A.m.! You’re so lazy!” How can you still be in bed right now? You have so much to do!” (I named my negative thoughts Negative Nancy during therapy)
I spoke about this in therapy! I was supposed to start being more gentle with myself. I was beating myself up over little things. So in therapy I talked about setting little daily goals for myself:
Read 5-10 mins, journal 5-10 mins, meditate 10 mins, walk for 10-20 mins(exercise). That way even if I do them everyday for as long as I really want to, at least I can say I completed it. If I don’t complete a task/goal, then I’m supposed to tell Negative Nancy to shut up (LOL) or say this is more than enough.
Well, I reached some of my goals today. So that’s all for now. I kind of cheated/took a shortcut though! I journaled, did some shadow work and I can post this on my blog so ha! Take that Negative Nancy!
-Fefa
I love and relate to this post so much! I was struggling in general with doing the normal things before work for a couple of months because my grandma passed away in January cuz of covid. I struggled with showing up to work on time and being there attendance wise but I felt like it was where I was supposed to be. I’m still at the same place working wise but I felt like i got out of it by asking myself what my grandma would have done if i was here. She would have told me “if I want a job you better act like it.” She would have also said “if you wanna do the things you love sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get it.” So I started setting small goals like having my cafe bustello early with no tv no noise and no phone and just have a cup of coffee think about my thoughts and just relax or try to get ready or prepare myself for the day. Also check to see if I have juice orders to make and give myself time to make them and post some videos. Also I stopped playing video games since she passed and taken my business seriously. [I made a commitment with myself that when the weather was nicer ima do popup shops way more] and I’m proud of myself and i.hop3 that my grandma is looking down and is proud of me. And I’m a strong believer in setting small goals I hope that you can keep setting them completing them and keep doing the little things to make you happy and I’m proud of you for sharing your experiences and personal feelings and livelihood because your writing really touches me. I appreciate your writing and cheers to you Fefa
Thank you for sharing your experience with me as well! I’m so very sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Sometimes it’s hard setting goals and completing them specially when something like a death happens. Thank you for always showing your support of my writing! I appreciate it so much!