6/15/21
22:29
On my way home- 5 train
Songs I’m listening to
- TLC – “What About Your Friends”
- Camilla Cabello- “Real Friends”
- Kanye West- “Real Friends”
Well where do I begin? I’ve never had much luck with friends honestly. I mean I had two best friends since I was a kid and it seemed like after my diagnosis, those friendships were done. But sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t a diagnosis. Sometimes I wonder if it was my actions because honestly I haven’t been the best person to all of my friends. I know this is going to sound like an excuse but when I’m depressed, I’m not worried about friends. At all. Not because I have the feeling that they’re going to be around forever. But mostly because whatever I’m dealing with at the time affects every aspect of my life. When I am severely depressed, it’s hard to get up from the bed, I don’t want to hang out or connect and I don’t reach out to my family or friends. Before the diagnosis, I was a pretty good friend so I guess that’s why I was expecting a little more from my childhood best friends. The confusion and the isolation that came with my diagnosis made me feel abandoned. I just wanted them to be there for me! But mami always told me one thing- “Amigo es un peso en mi bolsillo” it means “a friend is a dollar in my pocket”. You can’t be throwing that word around like it’s Christmas. You can’t call just anyone your friend. I’ve learned the hard way that the minute you think you have a “friend”, they fuck you over or they try to play you. Because of this, sometimes I’m cautious when it comes to making friends. But then again, that’s not always the case. I’m not always cautious.
I think I’m a pretty social person. I enjoy starting conversations and making new friends. I’ve never been apprehensive about becoming friends with people. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking “this is great but how long will it last” sort of how I feel about romantic relationships as well.
I’ve always had a small circle of friends but there have been moments in my life where I’ve craved a group of friends with five or more people. Probably because I’ve had it in the past. They end for whatever complicated reason. I also have a habit of cutting people out of my life. If you do something to me that’s unforgivable or I feel like you’re just showing me your true colors, I don’t stick around. I just end the friendship. Now that I feel like I barely have a handful of real friends I’m like damn, is it my age and experience or is it just me?
Continuation
Song- Lauryn Hill “to Zion”
10/18/21
On my break
17:35
I started writing this in June and picked it up today. Four months later. I turned 34 in September and I’ve been thinking a lot about life. One of those things is friendships.
Lately I’ve been thinking it must be me. What I wrote in July sounds like I was victimizing myself, which I tend to do a lot. But yeah, I’ve sat with this for a while. I’ve sat with the whole “maybe you’re just a bad friend Fefa or maybe you don’t know how to be a true friend”. If that’s true, am I open to being a better friend? Am I open to learning what it is to be a real friend? The answer to that question is yes, I am.
I was thinking of my past friendships. People that left a lasting impression on my life. I’ve been thinking about how I may have been a shitty person to them or just not good enough. Part of growing as a person is learning from your mistakes. But what if I never get the opportunity to be a better friend? Like what if I never make another friend ever again? I mean, wait…that’s not entirely true. I made a really good friend. She’s my best friend. But now I have this fear that I won’t be a good friend to her and that I’ll lose her. It scares me because she’s really awesome and has helped me through tough times. She even inspired me to become a blogger. But that lingering fear is still there. Will I be good enough? There’s also the feeling that I’m not a good enough friend to those who are my friends right now. Man, I feel like I’m just repeating myself. lol. What I’m just trying to say is that I want to be better at being a friend. Not just that- and I know this is going a little off topic but bare with me- I want to be a better sister, aunt and daughter. I just always feel like I always fall short. All I know is that I don’t want to fall short anymore. I don’t want to disappoint the people that I love and care for anymore.
But where do I begin? How do I begin? I’m not really sure.
But, just know that I’m working on it and that I’m glad you’re still my friend.
I feel this especially getting a little older. Honestly you were my first college friend and a good one in my eyes. I feel that you shouldn’t beat yourself up alot and that people are going to be people regardless of what type of relationship it is. Some people they get cold feet some people I feel are going through depression too. Furthermore alot of people I feel that they have to hype themselves up to go somewhere and many people now and days wind up flaking or canceling with a excuse. People suck at times on the flaking part but I try to be mindful of everyone and their situation. Ppl tend to gravitate towards me but I feel that I prefer to be alone. Friend wise you seem very sociable, loyal, friendly, trustworthy, intelligent and accepting. I feel that theres a adjustment with getting a little older i feel like the circle of friends get smaller and because of past and previous experiences I feel that you can notice the bul$**!t from a mile away and cut it off quick as compared to being younger and being more nieve about people and situations. For example if I make plans to chill with someone and they cancel twice there wont be a third time now that I am older. When I was younger I would be more nieve to it where oh maybe they just had to babysit again or maybe they were busy again.and we’ll try to do it again the third or fourth time.
You’re totally right. As we get older, there is a shift. Our circles get smaller and smaller and that’s just something I need to get used to. Also, thank you for your continued support. Reading my posts means a lot to me 💚 thank you for being a friend (queue in the golden girls theme song)