What is bipolar disorder? What does a manic episode look like for me?

5/25/22

21:15pm

Lauryn hill- Forgive Them Father

Beyonce- Before I let go

Kanye West- Saint pablo

Multiple locations- work, home, the train

What is bipolar disorder? What does a manic episode look like for me?

I’ve talked a lot about my struggles with bipolar disorder but have never written a post describing what it actually is or what it looks like. Although everyone’s experience is different, there are some similarities. 

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness that has extreme highs and extreme lows. What does that mean? If you’re undiagnosed or your medication isn’t working properly, you can experience mania or severe depression. Bipolar 1 disorder is usually recognized and diagnosed when someone has their first manic episode. Bipolar 2 is recognized and diagnosed when you’ve had at least one major depressive episode and at least one hypomanic episode. A manic episode may look like a decreased need for sleep, pressured speech or someone talking faster than usual, erratic behavior, an increased self image, self esteem and confidence and loss of touch with reality. Other symptoms that can be present are irritability and sometimes anger. A hypomanic episode is like a manic episode but it’s less severe.

From my personal experience, having a manic episode is very scary. You usually don’t know you’re experiencing one and when you do realize it, the symptoms have passed. The manic episodes that I have experienced are usually followed by severe depression.

So what does a manic episode look like for me? It’s a lot, really. 

My judgment goes out the window. I usually sleep 3-4 hours a night because I have tons of energy. When I’m deep into a manic episode, I usually take naps and don’t sleep much at all. I call random people that I haven’t spoken to in a long time. I empty out my bank account and completely forget that I have any responsibilities like paying my rent on time. I usually feel like I have an endless supply of money, or that the universe will provide. Sometimes I go on rants about what’s been happening to me on instagram. It’s almost as though I think I can conquer the world one instagram rant at a time. I rant to random people about things that I probably shouldn’t be talking about. I have an inflated self esteem and self confidence. I overshare a little too much. I become obsessed with certain topics- sometimes it’s whatever I’m struggling with at the time. I start projects that I shouldn’t be starting in the first place. I am easily distracted. I get angry easily and usually cut communication with my sisters or family and friends. I’m unable to go to work because of the crippling anxiety I experience while having a manic episode. I’ve lost touch with reality and struggled with knowing what was real and what was not. I once thought that I was a God- I’m not even kidding. 

Don’t worry! I’m stable now but I hope I never experience another manic episode ever in my life. Like I stated before, it’s such a scary experience not only for me but also for my family and friends. 

In the past when I’ve had a depressive episode, I’ve prayed for a manic episode to get me out of that state. But the instability that comes with mania is too extreme. 

I hope after reading this post you have a better understanding of what bipolar disorder is. But keep in mind that everyone’s experience is a bit different.