I wish

4/1/23

2:23 am

At home in bed 

Justin Timberlake – blue ocean floor

Justin Timberlake- Mirrors

Justin Timberlake- tunnel vision

It’s been almost 10 years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and honestly it’s been an uphill battle. From not being on the right medication to having scary manic episodes to finally being stable. I still have my ups and downs but nothing like before. Not as unstable. It feels good. 

For a long time I thought this illness was a curse. Sometimes  I still feel that way. I miss the high of a manic episode sometimes. The happiness that almost seems real is amazing. The recklessness, not so much. I wish I could go back to being without this illness.  Even for an hour. Back when I was everything I wanted to be. Focused. Happy even. Even through the crippling sadness that I felt often. But I fought through it. 

This album playing right now reminds me of that year. 2013. reminds me of a time when things were much simpler. It also reminds me about all of the confusion I felt when I first found out I had bipolar disorder. I didn’t have the best support around me. I had drug addicts and alcoholics around me leading me down a path of destruction.  I picked up my first cigarette when I was diagnosed. I guess you can say I hit rock bottom. 

I can’t help but mourn the person I was before this illness. She was this amazing person. Very kind and loving. Focused. A force to be reckoned with. You jus had to be there. It was incredible. Granted I was 10 years younger. Filled with life and energy for the future. I had so many goals and I was crushing them! I wish I could meet with her and have a chat with her. Sit down and ask her, “how did you do it all Fefa?” How did you overcome depression? How were you able to have a normal life when you wanted to die? You see, before I was diagnosed, I had serious depression. I woke up every morning with tears in my eyes. Sometimes I would even cry at work when no one was around me. How did I do it all when I felt so shitty? I’m not really sure. But I do miss her. I wish I could tell her she was amazing. I wish I could tell her you’re worthy. I wish I could tell her I love you so much. I wish I could warn her about this illness that was about to flip her life upside down. I wish I could tell her it’s gonna break her but she’ll find her footing eventually. I wish I could tell her she’s amazing. I wish I could tell her to find a support system and just cry it out.

I wish I could tell her that she’ll get through it. I’m sorry it took so long to be stable. I’m sorry for all the fucked up people that will walk in and out of your life. But most of all I wish I could tell her you are loved. More than you know. So keep going. Don’t give up. 

I love you 2013 fefa. But it’s time to lay you to rest. I’m just not you anymore and I’ve accepted it. But I will always love you. You’ll have a place in my heart. But I have to walk away and prepare for my future self. I have to live in the present. I have to live my life. Even if you’re in the past, I’ll always remember you.