11/22/22
2:50 am
At home
Bad Bunny- Efecto
Billie Eilish- everything I wanted
Arcangel- por amar a ciegas
In the summer of 2020 I had a manic episode. This caused me to spend an unbelievable amount of money and went on a long rant that lasted about a few days. When the manic episode finally subsided, I was left feeling empty and exposed. It didn’t help that I was the one that exposed myself. I had no one to blame but me.
I talked about a really tough topic that may have been triggering for many. I spoke out about being sexually assaulted. For some reason when I have a manic episode I become obsessed with getting justice for what happened to me. It may have looked like attention seeking behavior but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. Holding those who hurt me accountable for what they had done.
I may have said that I was healed from what happened to me but the truth is I’m far from that. The lasting effects of having something so traumatizing happen are endless. I’m still healing from it. One day I’ll be able to say that I’ve moved on from it but until then I’ll continue my healing journey.
When I’m in a manic state, I do things that are so out of character for me. When the manic episode goes away I’m left with crippling depression, shame and embarrassment that makes me want to hide. It’s safe to say that I regret that I put my personal business out there. It did nothing for me. I didn’t get the justice I was looking for. I didn’t get the peace I was seeking either. I just simply put myself on blast and left myself open to criticism.
I wanted to address my rant because for the most part I’m pretty private about things. My blog is the first time I’ve actually opened up and talked about issues surrounding my mental health. But, I didn’t want to keep it from people anymore and of course I wanted to bring awareness to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. I still struggle with being open about it. Some days I feel like I’ve over shared. But if I can go on a rant on instagram then having a blog isn’t so bad after all. I hope I’m raising awareness through this blog even if I don’t blog often.
Any who, just want to end this blog post with this. I don’t want people to think that every person that suffers from bipolar disorder does what I’ve done. It looks a little different for everyone suffering from this illness. I mean don’t get me wrong. There are similarities for sure but everyone’s experience is just that. Their own experience. but yeah I just wanted to share the reasoning behind my instagram rant. I hope to never go on another ever again. I’ve embarrassed myself enough.