5/24/24
02:44
Song- Alicia Keys- un-thinkable (on repeat)
In bed
In July 2023, my boyfriend at the time and I decided to end things. Although it was mutual, a big part of me wanted to work things out. This was the first time going through a breakup and not experiencing mania. I’ve been somewhat stable through it all.
The thing about having bipolar disorder and having relationships is that if you don’t have a supportive partner, you will struggle and if you’re miserable, like I was most of the time, you will look for a way out because deep down you know you deserve better.
In the course of the 6 years, we broke up a few times and got back together. I struggled with the break up and still am because I was used to the going back and forth. Breaking up and making up. Seeing him after the breakup didn’t help either. It gave me false hope that we would get back together again.
So how was he unsupportive? He brought up my illness quite often. He didn’t hear me out. This illness doesn’t control my life but it’s a big portion of it. He would also add that I’m on medication when referring to things that he felt that I shouldn’t be doing. He did the bare minimum to be there for me and I’m not sure why I stayed so long.
I had to catch myself. I almost made this post about all the things he did wrong. But I’d be here all day describing it to you all. But what I truly want to say is that being a relationship and having a mental illness is difficult. It’s challenging. If your partner is unsupportive it makes it harder. It’s hard to balance your life out. When I had manic episodes in the past, I would end the relationship. Looking back on it now, a long conversation should’ve sufficed. Not ending things. When the going gets tough, I retreat.
I see no hope for anything when I’m manic. I get an inflated sense of independence and a “I don’t need a man” type of mentality.
For a while my ex would complain that no one knew about him. That my blog posts weren’t about him or us. But I had no idea how to incorporate us into the mix. I didn’t know what to write about when it came to us. I often found myself drafting posts surrounding relationships and bipolar disorder and then found myself deleting them or not finishing them. How do you explain to someone that you love that there were too many negative things happening between us to write about it? It’s hard. We had our happy moments but for the most part, it was a difficult relationship for me.
This was my first relationship after being diagnosed. I felt like i didn’t know how to navigate the relationship. Like I was starting for scratch. As if my previous relationships didn’t matter because I was a completely new person. My diagnosis changed me and not for the better. At least that’s how I feel about it. I fucked up a lot in the relationship. I can admit that. But I still feel like I deserved better. I, for one, felt like I settled for Mr. Right now. I felt that I wasn’t going to meet anyone that was going to accept me with a mental illness as serious as bipolar disorder. I also didn’t know when to disclose my illness. I wasn’t stable and 6 months later after being in the relationship, my grandfather passed away and I had the worst manic episode I’ve ever had. I can’t blame him for not knowing what to do when I was acting like a completely different person. It was a very difficult time for him and I. He didn’t know what he signed up for when he decided to date me. I was also very depressed when we started dating. Usually after a bout of depression, mania rears its ugly head. I also didn’t prepare him for it. Since I had only had one manic episode in my life prior to the second one, I didn’t think I would have one. I thought I was okay. But at some point I felt ok and stopped taking my medication.
I’m still processing the break up in therapy. It hasn’t been easy but I can say I feel a sense of relief and peace. Being single has helped. I want to get into another relationship in the near future, but I want it to be a nice one. One where I can be myself and not one where I have to make myself small in order to be digestible. A relationship where I’m treasured and supported properly. One where I feel safe. One where I feel loved always. One where my illness isn’t used against me.
One day I will find that person, but for now I’ll continue healing and that’s good enough in the meantime.