02:18
4/23/21
Location: the couch
R&B and chill playlist- “this way” Khalid feat H.E.R.
THERAPY HW
1- things i have lost through my diagnosis
2- things i have gained through my diagnosis
Let’s start this by saying living with a mental illness isn’t peachy. Most times I feel boxed in or like I’m hiding in plain sight. I feel unacknowledged and I feel that if I am “seen” I will always have a label. Bipolar. Bipolar disorder. Crazy.
What do I feel like I’ve lost through my diagnosis?
-stability, friends, reliability, my 5 year plan, focus.
I lost the privilege of giving myself my own label. I lost control over my life. I don’t feel like I have the reins! If I’m overly emotional, my illness is showing. If I’m angry, my illness is showing. Also, I’ve been told and asked a lot of shit that comes with this illness too. Like “Should you be drinking?” “Are you taking your meds?” “Are you having a manic episode?” “you’re just using your illness as an excuse” “you bipolar bitch!” “Did I mention she’s bipolar?”
This diagnosis follows me wherever I go. It wakes up with me in the morning and goes to bed with me at night. It follows me in the movies and shows I watch. It follows me when I’m feeling “stable” whatever the fuck that means. It follows me when I’m happy. Fuck am I a little too happy? Mania is that you?! It follows me when I’m angry and FUCKKK does that bitch like to follow me around when I’m depressed. Knocks me down and makes me feel worthless. I fucking hate the shittiness that comes with it.
What have I gained? Oh I don’t know, let’s see. Debt, confidence when I’m manic, confusion, not knowing if it’s the illness or if it’s me, laziness. I already had self-esteem issues before this shit but now it’s amplified so let’s just add this to the list too right? I gained people being insensitive so there’s that too. Being manipulated especially when I’m vulnerable.
Who was FEFA before this diagnosis? I don’t know man. It’s the label! The stigma! I don’t want it! I wish it would disappear! Like no…it turns out It’s just depression. I mean that’s a little more acceptable right?
This concludes this entry because I’m clearly angry and this is just upsetting.
-FEFA
14:40
4/25/21
Location- Couch again
Current song “moon lakes” by perfect stillness
I feel a little better now. I got angry when I was doing my therapy homework. I kept getting reminded of my struggles and it was just really hard to write about.
The truth of the matter is that I didn’t completely feel the best or do the best things before my diagnosis. But I did always write my goals at the beginning of the year. I did have a lot I wanted to accomplish and when I received my diagnosis, I just put everything on pause.
So back to my original assignment. What did I lose? My “best friends”, my goals, my sanity for a while. I lost my path and I didn’t handle it well at all.
What did I gain?
Moments of creativity that I never thought could ever happen or that I was even capable of. Sometimes a higher self esteem. More concern and support from my immediate family.
I realized a few things while doing this exercise. My diagnosis only affected me because I let it and because I felt different. I told some people about it that I shouldn’t have and I saw their true colors so I guess you can say I was better off.
I felt so scared and embarrassed for being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was too hard on myself about it and I let it take over. I let myself be completely absorbed by it. I didn’t know why it had happened to me and why I was being punished, because that’s what it feels like sometimes. Like a punishment. It’s sad to realize this eight years later.
Some days I am confident in saying my illness doesn’t define me and other days I feel the complete opposite.
I hope one day I can move on from it. I hope one day i can wake up and be like “yeah i have bipolar disorder but it’s really not a big deal”. I hope that from this day forward I have more good days than bad ones. I hope that I can set goals and achieve them all despite my chronic illness. Most of all, I hope I can find peace and comfort knowing that I’m not alone and I also hope that I will find joy and happiness however long it lasts.
-FEFA
Thank you for this! You’re inspiring me to tell my story
Anytime love! Thank you so much for the support and amazing conversation!!!
Reading the first part and I’m so happy that you are transparent enough to even write this! It takes great guts and courage and I’m proud of you for coming forward and expressing how you feel or felt. From the outside looking in I would have never thought of the label “bipolar” for you you’ve always treated me the same honestly. One of the first ppl I met college wise and always took the time out explain things even in the cafeteria when things were new to me. Thank you for sharing the boxed in and hiding in plain site I honestly didnt have any idea you were going thru things like that thank you for sharing and being transparent even now.
Reading the second part I do hope that one day you can say Bipolar disorder isn’t a big deal and I know with that its baby steps. I had a really hard time depression wise admiting that I was depressed. The hardest thing was dealing with things that are out of my control. Furthermore having to drop my classes and leave my intern job making 17.50 an hour it devastated me. The most unlikely person saved my life with her words and although I didn’t have suicidal thoughts I felt that her instant messaging me on FB really did save my life. She told me that I wasnt alone and although things might seem really dark and outta place that to stay optimistic and to look forward and to complete one task one meal one step and one day at a time. Also that I order to know what light is that I would have to experience the dark. And those words really changed the way I was looking at things.
Also remember your not alone and dont make me take the 22 bus forever to give you a hug ❤
Thank you so much Wilson!! I had no idea you had gone through so much until you shared a little with me this past summer. I’m the summer time I was going through a manic episode and I never said thank you. I didn’t know anything was wrong with me till the end of the summer but you were very supportive. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. I’m so glad that words helped you in your time of need just like they did for me. I’m hoping that this blog will bring awareness to mental illnesses and it seems like that’s what it’s doing already 💚💚
You literally pulled out the whole thing out of it’s shell and put it there on the table in a beautiful way.
I love the hoenstly in this post.
A loved one of mine has bipolar disorder. Even though we try to be there and understand whichever way we can. But when brave souls like you share your stories, it helps us to understand to an extent what it could feel like and what my loved one could be going through.
Not everyone has strnght to do so, and i really comment you for being that amazing person.
I always say one thing. The unfortunate things that happen to us shouldnt define us. We dont start calling ourselves fever when we have fever. So why should this happen with mental illnesses??
That one day you are hoping for will come soon 🙂
And you definitely are not alone ❤
Thank you so much!!! I appreciate your post so much! It was definitely a hard piece to write but I’m glad I posted it. You’re so right when you said the unfortunate things that happen to us shouldn’t define us. Hoping that maybe in the near future the stigma surrounding mental illness will dissipate. Thank you again for taking the time to read my post and commenting. It’s nice to feel like I’m not alone.💚
And i can’t find reblog option on your post. Can you please check if it’s disabled or something
I’m not sure how to activate it or what to search for 😕