6/6/21
03:28
Bad bunny-Yo perreo sola
My place of inspiration-the kitchen
The amount of weight I allowed myself to gain has been detrimental to my mental health but also to my wellbeing in general. I’ve never been this heavy before and I didn’t know how to deal. I climb stairs to get to my apartment and feel out of breath. Going up the stairs at the train station is the same thing. I think what’s worse is that I’m so hard on myself about it. I started taking control of it in late April. A friend of mine told me about a race she signed up for. I went ahead and signed up for it so that it’ll motivate me more. It’s going to be my first race. Now I have this fear that I won’t be able to finish the race. It’s a 5k but I can barely finish a mile without stopping a few times and being out of breath. I love running and not being able to just finish a mile without stopping makes me sad. I’ve been able to run 3 miles like it was nothing. But, I was also in much better shape. I was also 40 lbs lighter!!
I hate the mirror and the scale. Fuck them both. Wearing sweats is what I was doing for months. I didn’t care how I looked-I was only going to work anyway so who really cares right? Not me, that’s for damn sure.
My confidence plummeted and added to my depression. I couldn’t fit into anything in my closet and sometimes I felt like crying about it. It was bad. Now I’m eating healthier, making better food choices and not going nuts on bags of potato chips at 3 am. So yeah, some progress for sure.
I weighed myself today because I feel like what I’m doing is helping but let’s just say I wasn’t impressed. I wanted to yell at the scale and call it a liar. “How dare you tell me that I’ve gained 3lbs since my last “weigh in? Fuck you! How about that?” But for real though, fuck scales.
Honestly, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. The number on the scale doesn’t matter. I just want to feel healthy again. I don’t want to avoid mirrors or taking pictures of myself anymore.
But shit, who knows, I might just run that 5k. Even if it practically kills me lol. Even if I have to run at the slowest pace I ever ran in my life. I’m going to finish. Fuck everything else. I’m going to run like my life depends on it.