Surviving A Psych hospital pt.3

7/1/21

11:23 

Kitchen table

James Blunt- “Where Is My Mind?”

Giveon- “Vanish”

In March of 2017, I had what you would probably call a psychotic break. I lost touch with reality that ended with me being hospitalized once again. But this time, the police were involved. In a different post I’ll touch more on what I was experiencing but let’s just say I was trying to cause a suicide by cop situation.

After my phone call to 911, cops arrived. None of them were trained properly to talk to me like I wasn’t an animal or to deal with someone having a mental health crisis. I counted about 20 cops. I had no weapons on me but since I said I did during the call, they took it seriously. When they arrived, I said so many things to them. One of the things I can remember was asking if they believed in God.  I had this whole plan in my head. Looking back on it now and remembering that day causes me so much embarrassment but also some relief. That situation could’ve ended differently. It could’ve ended terribly. I was searched and handcuffed. They were so rough with me and I wasn’t even moving. The handcuffs were so tight that it caused bruising later on. I remember telling them the cuffs were too tight and were hurting me but they didn’t care. They cuffed me while my hands were infront of me while I was holding my heavy bag. 

After that whole ordeal, I was taken in an ambulance to the closest hospital which was Bronx Lebanon Hospital. This place was horrible. It was one large room with no windows or anything. There were about 5 rooms that I can remember. All of them had mattresses on their dirty floors. Outside of the rooms, there were like 10 mattresses on the floor. The security was terrible to us. The nurse didn’t really listen to us. One of the doctors was violating hippa laws left and right divulging private information about patients in front of all of us. 

The one bathroom that was available to us didn’t have any running water so we couldn’t wash our hands. I don’t remember showering but maybe I did eventually? I really can’t recall. 

Since it was the weekend, they couldn’t get in contact with my outpatient psychiatrist. I was going to be given something for the mania I guess. I think it was risperdal. By then you would think that I would’ve learned my lesson and know better than to deny any medication. But since I was not myself, I cursed the nurse out for trying to give me something other than depakote. After cursing her out, she called security. Four of them came and held me while giving me the injection that I guess all hospitals use to sedate someone. It hurt so much! I don’t remember much after that because I’m sure I passed out. I woke up to my urine soaked underwear inside of a glove next to me on my mattress. I then called one of my sisters and told her about it. I was taken to this hospital on a Friday night and was released the following Tuesday morning. Still delusional and not in the right state of mind-I could’ve caused some serious harm to myself. 

I don’t know what happened but I was having some really bad side effects from the medication after being released. I couldn’t even walk at some point. I had to crawl home from the bodega around where I lived at the time.

I think all of the hospitalizations were a little traumatizing but the five days I spent at Bronx Lebanon hospital were for sure the worst and the scariest. 

In April 2017, my former shitty roommate called the cops on me. Who knows what she told them. All I know is that because she had been fucking with me for months which added to my mania, I finally had it! She must’ve been scared after I broke all of her cups and plates while threatening to kick her ass because about six to seven cops came into our apartment. They asked me if I had done this and I answered yes. They handcuffed me and placed me in an ambulance. They took me to Montefiore Hospital to hold me temporarily. I was then transferred to Gracie Square hospital in the city.

I really liked Gracie Square. I mean don’t get me wrong. I didn’t like being hospitalized but this place was actually very attentive and didn’t over medicate. I was only on two medications. They had group sessions, art therapy and music therapy more than once a week. The food was edible, the rooms were bigger, the visiting hours were really long. The staff was friendly, the nurses and doctors were concerned and actually wanted to see you get better. There was even a performance by students from Julliard. What I liked the most was that I met so many people around my age group that were experiencing the same things as me. I didn’t feel alone! It also helped to have an amazing roommate in there💚 

I was there for 2 weeks and by then the manic episode was beginning to subside. 

About two weeks later, I started feeling very depressed. The mania was finally gone but I couldn’t get up from bed. I was barely leaving my room. I wasn’t going out. I just wanted to end my life. I contacted my sisters and told them how I was feeling and told them I decided to check myself into Four winds Hospital for my depression. 

It had been four years since I had been in Four Winds Hospital but not much changed besides the location for womens “house”. At Four Winds, Men and women are housed in separate places. The stay was fine but my depression wasn’t going anywhere. I decided to check myself out after three days which was probably a bad idea. But, I’m glad I didn’t act on my suicidal thoughts and harm myself. 

Sharing this with the world has brought up a lot of emotions for me. Some negative, some positive. These are situations and experiences that I’m still healing from. But I’m still happy to be able to share it to bring awareness. I can only hope sharing my experiences will be helpful in some way. Whether that’s to educate people or just reaching those individuals that have experienced something similar. 

Fefa 💚